In 2015 I was twenty-three and positive I wasn’t going to live to see thirty, because I was going to make sure of it. I was suicidal with a plan.
In 2016 I began volunteering for a suicide prevention organization and spent over three hundred hours helping those who needed a shoulder to lean on in their hardest moment.
In 2017 I had the opportunity to work at fan conventions, helping con goers have the best experience possible, made new friends and be around the actors of my favorite TV show.
In 2018 I started living alone for the first time, becoming the most independent I had ever been. I proved to myself that I could do it on my own, despite what I had been told in the past.
In 2019 I traveled more than I ever had, started working for an organization that had a mission I stood by and fell more in love with my life than ever before.
In 2020 I held on tight to my people and met my fiancé.
In 2021 on my thirtieth birthday, I told my parents I was pregnant.
In 2022 I got engaged, bought a house, had my sweet daughter and the year isn’t over yet.
In 2015 I had a miscarriage while living over four thousand miles away from my support system. My marriage was falling apart and I didn’t care enough to fix it. I was going through the motions, learning new coping skills as the days passed on, only hanging on because I felt like I had to take care of my pets. I had a plan to end it all. I had a plan to kill myself. Only, I didn’t act on it. As I kept putting one foot in front of the other, waking up every day and thinking to myself “if all I accomplish today is waking up, that’s okay.” I did this for months on end and eventually things started to feel better. It was weeks of suicidal thoughts followed by years of depression, even up through parts of 2021 I had days where I felt that familiar darkness of depression creeping back up.
So, what’s the moral of my story?
I’m glad I stayed.
Improving and working on your mental health isn't linear. It's messy, but it's worth it.
If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met the love of my life or have my beautiful daughter. I wouldn’t have the life that I love. Instead, I would have left behind a mess for those who cared about me to be cleaning up for the rest of their lives.
Not acting on thoughts of suicide is brave. It’s strong. It’s telling the voices in your head that you’re not going to give in. Every day you choose to stay is another day for your life to get better.
I’m glad I stayed and I’m glad you’re here too.
“A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.”