This has been a long time coming, almost 7 years to be exact.
My daughter was born October 6, 2014. I noticed the anxiety first. Even before she was born, I could feel it creeping in. I blamed it on the hormones, all the changes to my body, but once she was born, it grew and grew. Then the sadness came and later, the numbness. I loved my husband and my daughter, but I struggled.
Before I could even heal, I was pregnant again. This time with my son. I was happy, but also terrified. I knew I had not healed, both mentally and physically, from my last pregnancy. There were some complications with this pregnancy, so that heightened my already shaky nerves. Then the day of his birth was very intense and I am sure I have some lingering trauma from that. But again, I slowly went from a bundle of nerves, to sadness, to numbness.
I wanted SO badly to be happy, you see, I had been told since I was a teenager that I would never have children and here I was, married to an amazing man with two beautiful children and I was still struggling.
I finally broke down and went to a counselor when we found out my husband was getting deployed and I knew it would be too much. I have been seeing a counselor now for a few years and it has been instrumental in my growth. We worked together with my doctor and decided to try medication. I have started SSRI meds which should help to treat both the anxiety and depression I feel.
I have been on them for about 2 months now and to be honest, the first month I really didn't feel a whole lot different. We recently upped my dose and I am already feeling a little better and I am hoping that with the help of my family, friends, counselor and doctor, I can continue to work on feeling better and having more and more moments of true happiness. I will keep you posted.